“If you send out goodness from yourself, or if you share that which is happy or good within you, it will all come back to you multiplied ten thousand times. In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control. The more love you give away, the more love you will have.”
— John O’Donohue
As parents we are fixers. That’s our job. There is so much that we can fix. We magically take away our baby’s hunger, wet bottom, loneliness and boredom. We soothe a preschooler’s fears. We prevent accidents, cavities and sometimes illness. Some days we feel competent, powerful, like the slayer of all dangers and monsters lurking out there.
And then comes the day when we simply can’t fix it. Our baby has colic and no matter what we do, she is uncomfortable and crying. Our toddler starts to have meltdowns that don’t respond to comforting. Or something much bigger…
When we are faced with a problem that has no immediate solution, we feel frustrated and powerless. This can trigger a stress response or a “fight or flight” response. We may withdraw or get angry or irritated. We may feel guilt or shame. So what to do when our baby is crying and we have done everything we can think of and it isn’t working, or our toddler just seems to need to meltdown? What to do when we feel like running away or stomping our foot or yelling, “stop it”? We can practice compassion towards whoever is suffering and towards ourselves by caring and by simply staying present rather than resisting.
On The Mat—
There are times when our bodies or our feelings hurt. It may be our knee, our hip, our shoulder, or our sadness. We can’t always fix that pain while on the yoga mat, we may only be able to ease it. That makes the yoga mat a great place to begin this practice of being with the unfixable.
- Start by noticing the source of discomfort even if it is emotional try to locate it in the body.
- Begin to move that area of the body and breathe into the discomfort or pain on the inhale and exhale compassion for the physical or emotional pain.
- You may find it helps to say “ I breathe in my pain, I breath out caring and compassion.” You are, in essence, sending love and caring to yourself. In and out, moving the body in whatever pose helps you to connect with the source of pain without aggravating it.
- I like to do 3 sun salutations because it seems to cover so many joints and muscles.
- Lie on your back with a blanket under your wing bones so that your heart is open. Send your heart protection for it’s softness.
- End in child’s pose. Again breathing in your pain, breathing out compassion. Then breathing in the pain of another, breathing out compassion towards them. Internally say the phrase, “I care about your pain, I wish you ease and happiness”, or a phrase that makes sense to you.
Off The Mat—
If you are with a crying baby, and you have tried everything; hold them, breathe in their discomfort, breathe out compassion. You might say this phrase several times to yourself, “I can not fix this but I feel your discomfort, I love you, I am here for you now”. You can adapt this to an older child or even your partner. Then extend the compassion to yourself. It is hard to witness the discomfort and unhappiness of someone we love. It is hard to not rush in and fix something that is unfixable. Send yourself some compassion, Breathe in, “I am uncomfortable”, breathe out, “May I be at ease”. If we can let go of responsibility for fixing something we can’t fix and stay loving and present we give a tremendous gift to others and ourselves.
Journal Prompts—
- How do I feel when I can comfort my child?
- How do I feel when I can’t comfort or otherwise “fix” a problem for my child?
- How did it feel to practice presence, and compassion when I couldn’t fix the problem?
“May we all be at ease, may we all be safe, may we all be happy”. Have a safe and wonderful week.
Please let us know, by commenting, if you find these practices helpful. Our stories help each other immensely.
These practices are adapted from the Tonglen, the ancient practice of “giving and taking”.
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