Child neglect is a form of child maltreatment. In the absence of poverty, child neglect can be defined as a deficit in meeting a child’s basic needs like supervision, nutrition, rest, emotional nurturing, shelter. Thank goodness, most parents do not neglect their children. As a matter of fact most middle class parents are giving their children more than they need; more stuff, more attention, more worrying and more protection from minor mishaps, frustration and hurt feelings. In order to do this, parents are neglecting themselves. Yes, there is an epidemic of parent self-neglect in this country. Parents who neglect their own basic needs for rest, nutritious food, relaxation, couple time and friendship, end up depleted, tense, and over the long course, sick.
Yes, there is an epidemic of parent self-neglect in this country.
Think about this morning for instance. Your baby probably woke up very early–way before you had clocked 8 hours of sleep. You greeted her with a smile and a maybe even a morning song. Then you gently and happily changed her and put on clean dry sweet- smelling soft clothes. You then fed her either wonderful breast milk or some organic balanced fruit, veggies and protein. Then you played with her and maybe strapped her onto you while you grabbed whatever was left of her food and leftovers in the refrigerator for your breakfast. You then, either hurriedly got dressed for work in order to get out the door to put in a full day at another job away from home, or hurriedly got dressed and got busy with other obligations.
I am guessing you didn’t give yourself a morning hug, didn’t sing to yourself “you are so beautiful” while you gently and slowly combed your hair. I bet you didn’t even have clean soft sweet smelling clothes to put on.
And that is just morning ritual. If this goes on all day every day what happens? Parent self-neglect. You may not even know that your nutritional status is failing, your sleep bank empty, but soon you wonder why you are so exhausted and sad or anxious.
It wasn’t always like this. Until the dawn of uberparenting in the 80’s, parents used to give themselves and their kids more slack. Self care doesn’t preclude good parenting. On the contrary, when parents take care of themselves, everyone wins. Children do not need constant parental attention to thrive. They actually benefit from other caregivers, even suboptimal ones because they become flexible and adaptable. Next week I will give you some examples of ways to end parent self-neglect and still be a good parent.
This week the practice is just noticing.
Practice balancing poses, tree, warrior 3 and notice how it feels to be in balance and out of balance. What is necessary for balance to occur? Is is a strong foundation starting at the feet and moving up? Is it a strong core, and engaged middle, or a soft heart and point of focus. What happens when you fall out of balance and then find your balance again. What do you say to yourself if you wobble. Try saying “nice job.” You are on your mat, exploring, finding what feels good and what doesn’t. End in child’s pose and breathe slowly in and out, in and out. On the exhale let go of some of the pressures to be perfect, to protect and control. Loosen your grip and release all tension.
Off The Mat
Notice how you treat yourself. Have you trained yourself to hold in your pee, realized you have been thirsty or hungry for an hour? Would want your child to feel this way. Why do you ignore your body’s needs? Does it have to be this way?
Just notice for now, no judgement. It all comes from love. But, maybe we can translate love so a little more of it can come your way.
“May we all be at peace, may we all be safe, may our lives unfold with more ease.”
Alison Rogers Ed.D is a therapist in Boulder, CO. She also teaches yoga workshops for parents and sees them individually. When she isn’t at work nurturing a new generation of parents she can often be found scrambling up her beloved Mt. Sanitas, playing in the garden or pottery studio.
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