“I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing.”–Daniel Hillel
Each one of us walks around carrying bits and pieces of personality that we would like to drop off at the recycle center. We lose patience, are less generous than we want to be, worry, get angry….on and on. We know about these parts of our self. They can be annoying but not really destructive because we are aware of them. There is some light, maybe even some humor.
The parts of ourselves that we don’t see, and aren’t aware of, can rear their head in disguise. Carl Jung and others Debbie Ford have called these hidden parts, shadows. We need clues or a special ‘light’ to see them with. Perhaps, we can’t stand the woman in our baby group who seems arrogant and insecure. Or perhaps our mother drives us crazy because she is so judgmental. Or maybe we find ourselves reacting way out of proportion to an event. We sometimes disown parts of ourselves and then can’t stand them in someone else. These are the hints to what lay outside the light of our awareness; the dark side of the moon.
As parents, our disowned parts can show up in our children. Rena dropped her daughter, Sylvie, off at preschool every morning last month and every morning Sylvie cried and clung to Rena. Rena felt deep annoyance and impatience with Sylvie. She found it harder and harder to be reassuring with Sylvie. Rena would wonder why Sylvie couldn’t be like her friend Mandy, the swashbuckler, who marched into preschool as if everyone had been sitting around just waiting for her to enter– Let the play begin.
Rena didn’t know why her daughter was distressed or why it pushed her own buttons so effectively. Over time, as she gently explored her responses, she became aware of her own fear of dependence. As a child she hadn’t been able to count on her busy parents to consistently be there to pick her up and soothe her, so she learned to be independent and she expected her little girl to learn as well.
Our shadows walk around with us all the time and affect the way we parent. Shining a bit of compassionate awareness goes a long way toward defusing the power of the unseen.
How do we do that? We can start by noticing our strong reactions to others or to certain situations. We can notice tensions in our bodies associated with these reactions, then send some tolerance and love to ourselves as we acknowledge something needs attention. Over time, there can be a softening and acceptance, of the traits we kept hidden. We all are kaleidoscopes and, with light, each part can shine brightly. With patience we can turn negative traits into strengths. Impulsiveness turns into genuine spontaneity, fear and vulnerability to compassion, the need for attention to a desire for connection.
As Rena began to make friends with her own fear of dependence and rejection that had silently haunted her, she accepted that it had been a coping strategy that she no longer needs. As Rena learns to lean on those close to her, she also finds it easier to reassure Sylvie that she will be back to pick her up and she puts notes in Sylvie’s lunch box to strengthen the connection.
On The Mat….
Yoga strengthens awareness, it is medicine for the heart and soul. As we move through our practice we become aware of our breath, our alignment, our mood and thoughts. We relax our defenses as we turn our attention to breath and movement. It is also a safe place to explore disowned parts of ourself. After warming up come into warrior, bring your attention to someone with whom you struggle. Note the feelings in your body as your mind begins to recall the ways this person pushes your buttons. As you sink deeper into warrior holding the pose, allow yourself to say either out loud or to yourself, “I can’t stand it when ____ is ______(controlling and demanding, whatever)”. Now change the persons name to “I” as in “I can’t stand it when I am ______________.” Notice how you feel. Is there truth in it? If so, soften the body and mind in gratitude for this awareness, knowing that just by allowing the light to shine on this part of yourself you will defuse it’s power. With defusing, the trait can transform into a strength. Controlling and demanding can be transformed into passion and caring when stripped of fear. When you come out of warrior, bow in Parasita Padottanasana or wide legged stand so that your heart is higher than your head. Let your neck relax and the crown of your head be heavy. Complete your practice and take savasana. Deeply relax and let go. Awareness and compassion will help you integrate both the light and the dark, the illuminated and the hidden.
Off the Mat…
This week just notice when you feel your buttons being pushed and be curious and watch. Breathe and feel your feet on the ground. Have faith that as you are becoming more aware, more balanced by the day, you are making friends with that little shadow that follows you around all day. As a result, you will be better friends with those around you, especially your children. None of us can always be aware, like the moon we wax and wane in our efforts. Let that be so.
Next week we will work with our latent shadow strengths. Awareness and the cultivation of those strengths will empower us to transform our world.
Please note, these warrior practices are advanced and should not replace the help of a teacher or therapist if needed. If these practices feel unsettling or destabilizing, please seek out a helper, you deserve it. I am available by phone consultation and can help you get started. I can be reached at info@theyogaofparenting.com
“May we all feel whole, may we all feel safe, may we all feel illuminated.”
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