“”Earth will be safe when we feel in us enough safety. Thich Nhat Hanh
My 7 year old son was standing at the kitchen window after school one day. His face was pressed close to the glass, it was hard for me to see his expression. I noticed a quivering in his small left shoulder. Unsure what to do, I walked across the room so I could see his face; there were silent tears running down his flushed cheeks. Up the street I saw three of his buddies playing whiffle ball… without him.
I gave my son organic food, a safe comfortable home to live in, love and protection. He had very little hardship in his life, I made sure of that– every day. But, this day I wondered if I should follow my powerful urge to rescue him from this almost universal human experience of exclusion, or resist my impulse and see what would happen?
The Buddhists say that all suffering comes from aversion or clinging to experience. We push away discomfort and cling to comfort and security. Discomfort is not the problem, it is the avoidance of discomfort that becomes the problem. We can spend countless hours avoiding feelings of anxiety, shame, alienation. And we suffer as a result. In my own life, I try to lean into feelings of discomfort, when I can.
But when it comes to our children and their uncomfortable feelings, there are no easy answers. If I were to rescue my son from his sadness, I would steal his experience and all that he could learn about feeling rejected, finding a solution, and repairing relationships. I would have imprisoned him in my solution. But, was he old enough and did he have the necessary skills to find his own solution? It turns out that my answer was to do a little of both. I acknowledged his tears, and heard the story. I asked him what he thought he could do to make up. He came up with a plan and I let him try it out.
How do we make these decisions as parents, especially when our inner mother lion is raging, telling us “protect, protect, protect”? First we have to become aware of our own reactions to uncomfortable feelings. We have to pause long enough to ask ourselves, “whose feelings am I protecting?” And then ask, “what is more important, feeling safe and comfortable or stretching ourselves and our children.”? Our children are usually stronger and more resilient than we imagine, and so are we if we can feel “within us enough safety.” So, lets get out of our comfort zone just a bit and see what happens. Let’s ask ourselves, as my good friend did, “when does a cocoon become a prison?”
On The Mat-—
Try one pose this week that you normally avoid. Start slowly, break it down, add a little more challenge as you stretch and strengthen. If you choose head or handstands, start near a wall. Notice how it feels, any resistance you have to the pose. Listen to your body, learn when to back off and when to push through. Notice how you feel when you have pushed yourself out of your comfort zone.
Off The Mat–
Bring the lessons learned into your life off the mat. Try something new that scares you. Let your child experience small failures so that she can experience getting back up and trying again and succeeding. Trust her to succeed even if first attempts are not successful. Trust yourself enough to free yourself and your child from the gates of fear into the joy of accomplishment.
Journal Prompts
- What am I afraid of? When do I hold back?
- What does it feel like to take a chance in the face of discomfort?
- What did I learn about my child?
“May we all feel safe enough to take risks, may we all find freedom, may we all be happy?”
Let me know how it goes.
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