I wanted to be the kind of mother who loved messes, chaos and noise. The kind of mother that had a few kids of her own, the neighborhood kids running in and out of her house, several pets, projects galore. The kind of mother that could watch her kids munch on brightly colored snack foods without having an anxiety attack.
This mother would watch kids run in and out of the house tracking mud all over the floors she had just cleaned, and with a hint of a smile, thinking, “Ahh, the richness of life”. I wanted so badly to be that mother. Problem was, that wasn’t me. What ensued was an ongoing battle between who I was and who I wanted to be, or thought I should be.
It didn’t go well. I started things I couldn’t finish, I said yes when I should have said no. It all could have been avoided if I had been able to admire that kind of mother and then tuned in to who I was, honestly, with all my strengths and shortcomings. I was the kind of mother who needed periods of quiet to rejuvenate, some order to feel comfortable and I really didn’t want pets.
So many of us find ourselves “stuck in someone else’s pose”, as my teacher Amy Weintraub. likes to say. Maybe you find yourself practicing attachment parenting when what you want is to work away from home part time, or you work long hours outside the home when what you want is to be home with your children more of the time. We can’t always have what we want, but if we can come to terms with who we are and what we want, if we can be honest and authentic, we have a better shot at it. And we have a better chance of accepting those we love.
Authenticity on and off the mat requires awareness, acceptance and loving kindness. Starting this process is as easy as 1,2,3.
On The Mat—
Take a seat on your cushion and tune in to your breath, just notice the speed, depth and quality. Then, notice how your body feels, the quality of your thoughts, and mood. I like to use this simple 123 checklist:
Breath
- Slow, deep
- Somewhere In between
- Shallow, faster
Body
- Relaxed
- Somewhere in between
- Tense
Mind/Thoughts
- Spacious
- Somewhere in between
- Speedy
Mood/Energy
- Sluggish/Slow
- Somewhere in between
- Agitated/Anxious
Checking in is easier when you are on your mat and have fewer distractions. Now take a moment to send yourself some loving kindness for your honesty and courage, for that is what is required of us as we become more authentic.
Once you have checked in, use that information to guide your asana practice. If you are cool and tight, start with stretching and move into sun salutations repeated enough times to warm up the core and loosen tight muscles. If you are sluggish, start with some stretches on the floor, perhaps some gentle twists and finish with one slow sun salutation. If this balances the energy, do one more. Do your own practice, no one else’s.
Always finish in svasana on your back, letting go of all the “shoulds” like so many layers of dust, and integrating the effects of your practice.
Off The Matt—
Authenticity off the mat requires this same attention to body, feelings and thoughts. Once you get good at it on the mat, use the 1,2,3 check-in off the mat. If you notice you are tense or exhausted much of the time it may be a signal that you are trying to be the parent you aren’t. When we live more in harmony with our nature or inclinations we are more likely to feel balanced, calm and energetic. Rather than feeling at war, we feel at peace. This is true freedom. Simply noting is the first step towards that freedom.
Journaling Prompts—
- Do you find yourself wishing you were different, more like “that parent”? If so what would “that” look like. Start with “I wish I were more…” keep writing till you slow down and get it all on paper. Then decide which ones are reasonable aspirations, and which ones are sapping your valuable energy.
Do you think aspiring to be like someone else is a help or a hinderance to you as a parent?
“May we all be safe, may we all be at ease, may we all be at peace with who we are right now”.
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