What Did You Expect When You Were Expecting?

“Expectations are resentments under construction.” Anne Lamott

I woke up this morning to the sound of tree limbs breaking under the weight of premature snow. I felt betrayed, as if winter  stole autumn. I wanted more hikes up my beloved steep Mt. Sanitas, more days to enjoy the turning of the leaves. I wanted life to be predictable. I love winter, why was I feeling so disappointed? Because I had a strong unspoken expectation that fall would linger longer, and it was dashed by something out of my control.

Isn’t parenting like that most days? When we get pregnant we are filled with expectations about how it will be to have a child.  Whatever you were expecting, some of it may have come true and probably a lot of it didn’t. I know I never expected to be a single parent with three sons.  Unspoken expectations can become the biggest resentments of all. So how can we keep our expectations from becoming resentments? Asking ourselves the question, “what did I expect when I was expecting?” can help us understand why we feel and act the way we do now that we are parents faced with reality.

If we listen carefully, under every expectation is a longing.

What were you longing for? What did it look like? Most of us are longing for ease, safety, belonging, love and a feeling of adequacy.

Longing is a very tender place that deserves kindness. It is what makes us human.

On The Mat—

The yoga mat is the perfect place to explore our unspoken assumptions or expectations. When you come to the mat, sitting on your cushion, ask yourself, “what do I expect?” “Do I expect my body to be flexible; my mind focused my mood improved?” What happens when you become aware of those expectations?

Now do one salutation to the sun or moon.  Did reality bump up against expectations. What was that like? Now try one more salutation. Was it different? Come into child’s pose and imagine you are cradling your longings safely in your heart. Just breath and open your heart in this safe place.

Off The Mat—

Write it out, draw it, and see it in your mind. Give those longings a chance to be seen and heard. Soften your heart towards the part of you that was dreaming and longing before you became a parent. Give yourself the chance to grieve what you longed for and didn’t get. Sometimes our day-to-day experiences are like branches breaking under the burden of too heavy expectations. If you can name and let go of the expectations you can find new ways to fulfill those longings. You can see more clearly, and be grateful for what you have. I think I will go skiing now.

Journal Prompts—

• What did  I expect when I was expecting?
• Were there longings underneath the expectations?
• What were they?
• How can I fulfill those longings now?

 

“May we all be safe, may we all love and be loved, may we all belong.”