Self-Compassion for parents; Take Child’s Pose

“”If you don’t believe in God, it may help to remember this great line of Geneen Roth’s: ‘that awareness is learning to keep yourself company.’ And then learn to be more compassionate company, as if you were somebody you are fond of and wish to encourage. I doubt that you would read a close friend’s early (writing) efforts and, in his or her presence, roll your eyes and snicker. I doubt that you would pantomime sticking your finger down your throat. I think you might say something along the lines of, ‘Good for you. We can work out some of the problems later, but for now, full steam ahead!”—–Anne Lamot from Bird by Bird

 

I went to a Forrest Yoga class yesterday and spent 1/3 of the time in child’s pose. Throughout the class I shifted from embarrassment to determination,  to accepting my need to rest and back to frustration…..

I believe Forrest Yoga was put on this planet to make us acutely aware of that edge between acceptance and effort and the need for self-compassion.

Parenthood is a lot like Forrest Yoga; long holds, binds, twists. It requires strength, endurance, balance, and lots of deep breathing. And you need to know when to take child’s pose for a rest.

Most parents have developed their own personal tape loop that probably sounds something like this: “Wow, I can’t believe I lost it like that, I have to work on patience”. Or, “look at her Facebook page, she has it all together and I can’t get out of my pajamas before 10 am.”  And, “I must be the only parent around who can’t figure out how the heck to wrap the baby carrier”.

You are not alone. Whenever you see another parent, you can be sure thier own version of the loop is playing in their head, too.

The Three Poisons of Parenthood: Self-judgment, Comparing, and Isolation. None of them motivate us to be more effective parents. Paradoxically, when we criticize ourselves we become more depleted and  we are less effective. It is when we completely accept and make friends with where we are now, in this moment that change, growth and joy occur.

The Cure: Self-Compassion

The Ingredients:

• Awareness
• feelings of kindness
• recognizing our shared humanity

Kristen Neff has studied Self-Compassion exhaustively. Her book and website are filled with resources, exercises and a self-test to measure self-compassion.

This week we practice bringing awareness and kindness to self-judgment.

On The Mat:

Start standing on your mat. Bring your attention to your core and heart. Breathe deeply into your belly. Allow your jaw to relax. Notice a strong base of support where your feet meet the mat. Feel all four corners of your feet. Draw your arches up, engage your inner thighs, drop your tailbone, and lengthen from your pubic bone to your sternum. Relax the shoulders down and back and lengthen the neck and draw the crown of the head toward the ceiling. Raise and lower your arms a few times in rhythm with the breath.

Bring hands into prayer. Feel the warmth of the heart center. Allow the weight of your body to shift to the left foot. Bring the right foot up to cross the left thigh, balance with your gaze on something about 3 feet in front of you. Connect with your belly. Notice what happens when you fall out of balance then come back. Allow yourself to fall out several more times and keep coming back to balance. Notice any feelings or thoughts that come up. Take the perspective of a kind teacher watching you, encouraging you to come back into balance each time you fall out. Let yourself smile. Now repeat on the other side. Take child’s pose and rest.

Off the Mat–

• During the day, notice the inner voice of self-judgment, comparing and isolation. This is huge! Just noticing. Then notice your judgment of your self-judgment. Soften….Take a slow deep breath knowing that this is what our mind does. Imagine that you are a dear teacher watching yourself, what would that teacher say? ‘Good for you. We can work out some of the problems later, but for now, full steam ahead!” How would that feel?

Journaling Prompts:

The top three hits of my tape loop are…

My dear teacher or friend would say….

 

“May we all be gentle with ourselves and each other, may we all be more accepting, may we all be at ease”