I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
–Bill Cosby
Why is it that as soon as you have a child, the world thinks you are fair game for criticism?
From the time your belly rounds out, total strangers feel compelled to advise, correct and redirect. To add to the misery, because of your inexperience, your inner-critic suddenly goes into overdrive. It is as if the whole world, including this new super-judge-within, has an opinion about what your baby needs. And no one can agree.
I remember one summer day standing in the aisle of a grocery store. The trip had been poorly planned…, ok, unplanned, but we were out of cheerios and milk. Florescent lights blinked harshly overhead, there was too much air conditioning and my feet were freezing in their sandals. I couldn’t remember if I had combed my hair or not. My two-year-old son was pulling boxes off the shelf and my three month old was building up to an all-out hunger cry. Just then, a woman glided by with a sweater gracefully draped over her perfectly tanned shoulders, her hair was shiny and contained, and her feet, softly covered in stylish ballet flats, were warm. Tucked inside her cart were a few well-chosen, healthy, non-emergency groceries, and a smiling toddler. All she had to do was look at me, and I could tell what she was thinking. My heart began to pound and before she could say or do anything, in my mind, I was preemptively criticizing her for criticizing me. Looking back, she could have been lonely and wanting a friend to talk to. She was probably just another mom in the trenches who happened to be having a good day.
As parents, when perceived or real criticism comes our way, yoga teaches us there is another way to respond. Try this…
On the Mat
Next time you roll out your yoga mat set the intention to simply listen to your inner critic, this is a safe place to practice for the real world. Take a comfortable seat on your cushion and bring your attention to your breath. Invite your exhales to slow and lengthen. This soothes the nervous system. Continue to observe your breath as you begin to move and stretch. Allow the tongue to soften against the soft upper palate of the mouth as if to say “ahh”. Try some balance poses. Bring your internal attention to your core, move from that center. Externally, keep your eyes on a focal point a few feet in front of you, and notice how it helps you to stay balanced? If you fall out, simply come back.
If you find your mind judging, listen, notice the effect on your breathing, and meet what is happening with gentleness. Don’t believe the thought; don’t dispute it, simply witness. What effect does this have? How does it feel to meet criticism with kindness, a strong core and a strong gaze? Since criticism and shame feel hot, here is a short cooling practice from Sadie Nardini
Off the Mat
Try this same technique with criticism from someone else.
- First simply notice how your body responds, is your heart racing, does your breathing get faster, shallower? Is there heat, a knot in your stomach?
- Take a few slow deep breaths and send yourself some loving-kindness. Your body is saying fight or flight and you are sitting still, this is hard to do for all of us. Maybe this is all you can do for now, great.
- If you feel up to it, try to listen openly, knowing that there will be time later to defend yourself. Don’t resist, but don’t buy into what is being said, just listen.
No one finds this easy. Just remember, the person criticizing you, whether it is your partner, your mother-in-law, or the stranger in the grocery store, cares deeply about his or her own worldview. It is usually not about you. There may be wisdom in the criticism–the flower on the prickly cactus. We become more resilient by building our tolerance to the discomfort of criticism. Our values and our sense of purpose as parents is our focal point, it keeps us steady in a world of differing opinions. We benefit from being able to hear what others think, without falling out of balance—at least for too long.
Journaling Prompt
This week write about your experience with criticism. How did you respond to criticism? Where did you feel it in your body? Where you able to pause and send loving-kindness to yourself? Could you listen?
“ May we all be strong, may we all listen with love, and may we all be at ease”.
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