Anticipation

I can’t help flying up on the wings of anticipation. It’s as glorious as soaring through a sunset… almost pays for the thud.”

― L.M. Montogomery

What are you anticipating? When your child sleeps through the night?A meal that doesn’t end up on the walls? Or maybe your child’s first words or first smile. As parents, we spend a lot of time anticipating the next stage, imagining what it should look like. We focus on developmental stages, and milestones, hundreds of them. It is the way of human beings to predict. It gives us a sense of control, some order amidst the chaos. Sometimes, things don’t go according to schedule.  Our children and our bodies act in unpredictable ways. When our children are little, we anticipate some time to ourselves with our children peacefully asleep, and it inevitably gets botched. When our children are older we anticipate closeness and we get distance. How can we avoid the disappointment that comes when anticipation ends with a thud?

 

We can’t. While I write this post, I am anticipating the arrival of my grown son. He will be coming in on an airplane from far away. I have fantasies of us sitting together, after hiking all day, on the patio; the evening air, warm and fragrant sharing his favorite meal.  One that I will have miraculously produced at the precise moment that he feels hungry. I imagine we will drink a delicious bottle of Zin that he thoughtfully brought from California– even though you can’t bring wine in carry on–and then we will have a long conversation into the night. He will tell me about everything that is important to him. He will pull out his guitar and sing. We will laugh and share memories of his childhood. There will be perfect harmony. Ahhh… I think I hear a thud coming.

I remember his childhood as one constant state of anticipation. And mostly, I remember being more excited by his accomplishments than I had ever imagined. Also, I remember being so grateful when he fell asleep.

Then came 8^th grade.  I thought he would come home and tell me all about his first day of middle school. He went into his room and closed the door. My son needs closed doors in order to figure out who he is and what he wants in life. I have learned to stand on the other side and hope he knows I’m there.

As I anticipate the arrival of my son, I will keep my fantasies because I like them. But, when it goes nothing like the script in my head, hopefully I will be graceful enough to welcome him, as it is, wholeheartedly.  Some people choose to expect the worst; some have only realistic expectations.  We can’t avoid disappointment. But we can learn to love what we get.

Let’s Practice.

On The Mat: Have you ever gone to a yoga class expecting your favorite teacher and found a sub? This is a great opportunity to notice what you wanted, and the accommodation you made to the situation. Sometimes, we can be surprised with what happens next. We might go home disappointed or we might have discovered a favorite new teacher. What if we had arrived in the room without expectations? What would our yoga have been? Yoga practice gives us the opportunity to become aware of our expectations, for our bodies and our experience, and then to stay aware of how the experience compares to our expectations. If you fee disappointed in your inability to move the way you want to or stay present fully, be gentle with yourself and know that we all bump up against reality and it often doesn’t meet our expectations.  It can be sad, or frustrating. Soothe yourself with some kind and loving words. Then breathe and watch where your body comfortably takes you.

Off The Mat: Observe how natural it is, throughout your day, to have expectations for yourself, your child, and your mate.  Notice how natural it is for all of us to fall short of our expectations. Can you find treasures in the unexpected? A day home with a sick child can give you the gift of slowing down. You can rest and learn something new about your child. See if you can make friends with what is happening by letting go of the expectation that wasn’t met. Let yourself fall in love with what is right in front of you, right now in all it’s messy, juicy glory.

“May we all carry our expectations lightly, may we all feel grateful, may we all love the mess called life.”